January 2010
32 posts
Boss' 4-year-old son: *sees picture of self on computer* That's me!
Boss: It is.
Son: *sees another* That's me too!
Boss: *jokingly* No, that is you when you were one!
Son: No no. Too. T-O-O. It is like me saying, 'that is me also'!
Warning:
When you haven’t eaten more than a handful of nuts here and there for nearly a week, devouring an order of buffalo wings and chicken tenders in roughly 2.6 minutes will make you look four months pregnant.
Listen...
I haven’t eaten or slept more than 45 minutes a night since Sunday. So when I finally get my appetite back and call you for delivery and then wait over an hour with no knock on my door - I’m going to wonder if you were swept away in the snowstorm raging outside.
So your guy didn’t leave yet. No worries, really. But don’t tell me that I shouldn’t have called because I...
“I felt like crying but nothing came out. It was just a sort of sad sickness,...”
– Charles Bukowski
(via imperiousrex)
“The most essential factor is persistence - the determination never to allow your...”
– James Whitcomb
1 tag
An online friend wrote me a letter after meeting...
and a bit of it read, ‘There is incredible strength, bravery, and determination that resides within you.’
He’ll never know how many times I have read and re-read that line when feeling anything but strong or brave or determined to go on…or how that one sentence always seems to give me the strength to do just that.
“A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and...”
– Jim Morrison
(via teaguesimoncic)
Listen, I know I look like an ass when I wear my...
but you know those commercials for medically dry eyes? That’s me. I mean, I’m self-diagnosing here, but I go through two bottles of eye drops a month and the slightest breeze makes my eyes water to the point where I look like I’m sobbing, so yeah, I wear my sunglasses on the subway, because between the air conditioning and the whoosh of trains passing by, I get to work teary-eyed...
*on subway, man moves to give up seat for woman*
Woman: Bitch please! I can stand on my own two legs!
Man: *reels back as if slapped*
Me: *softly* very chivalrous of you.
Man: *slight smile*
Woman: I don't need no chivalrous!
Me: Chivalry.
Woman: What?
Me: You don't need no chivalry.
Man: *snickers*
Woman: Slut.
boo green...you suck.
relliebellie:
popped my medieval times cherry with jamie and caroline.
i ate with my hands, i got a pink flower from the red and yellow knight, annnnd i no longer have a voice.
i say it was a great time.
I’ve been rasping into the phone all morning…I’ve never screamed, “Nooooooooo!!” more sincerely in my life.
I was dying for a NY slice last night,
but didn’t want to leave my apartment and walk the necessary block to get it.
I was attempting to decide if I wanted to order in or not when I saw bacon, arugula, and tomato sitting innocently in my fridge. Yeast and flour sat ready in my cabinet.
It was meant to be.
Michael Weston and I would be best of friends.
For reasons other than our shared love of yogurt.
Child on subway: You have little wrists.
Me: *looks at wrists* I suppose I do.
Child: That's no good...a woman should have some meat on her bones.
Boss: Oh, by the way, if anyone calls for the Tig position, set them up with a welding test.
Me: Will do.
Boss: And if anyone calls for the Office Manager position, forward them directly to me.
Me: *speechless, attempting to not clutch heart*
Boss: Hahahaha! How much of a jerk would I have to be to do that??!
Me: ...honestly, I don't think my heart is beating.
On the way home from work on Friday,
I spotted a 10-foot tall, internally-lit polar bear wearing a Santa hat and a silly grin.
Something small inside of me hopes someone pops that bear. Let’s be honest here, everyone -including me - knows I would never do it and that I’d be sad if anyone did, but I can still see myself in my mind’s eye sneaking up to it with a cartoonishly large balloon popper…
I love that the first time you told me you loved...
I was in my yoga pants, your t-shirt, with no make-up, and my hair mussed.
The setting made it so much more.
Me: *leaning up against wall waiting for train*
Crazy lady: *pacing* DONALD TRUMP IS A DEMON! DONALD TRUMP ISN'T GIVING YOU MONEY! WHEN YOU DIE, YOUR FAMILY WILL DRIVE YOUR CAR TO YOUR FUNERAL AND THEN GO LIVE IN YOUR HOME AND EMPTY YOUR BANK ACCOUNT!!
Me: *turns ipod up louder*
Crazy lady: *walks up to me, shoves pen in my face* YOU! I found you! You're over here hiding, but I found you!
Me: You need to take that pen out of my face and walk away.
Crazy lady: This is no pen, child! This is the sword of good and evil! It tells me who is evil and who is good.
Me: Well then, you need to take that sword out of my face and walk away.
Crazy lady: *pause* You're hiding...but you're hiding from evil. You're good. The sword has proven you're good. *walks away*
“You can change your pace, your place,
your face betrays you.”
– Oubliette - Red Penguin
This is what happens when you break up with the singer of a band.
“You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery: enjoy it, embrace it,...”
– Elizabethtown
17-year-old me livejournal entry.
The wind was in my favor last night. Walking down my street, the breeze caught my skirt just enough to produce the Donna Reid effect – a perfect halo of pale orange cotton as my heels clicked toward home. Girl, I think as I spontaneously perform a pirouette under the street light. At lunch the next day, though, it was different. I served myself some homemade soup and as I slid my spoon in...
Who do I call at 3 in the am when I can't sleep?
…my Momma, of course.