All I have to say is…thank god for Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson.

I mean, without those two and their once-talked-about half-time hoo-ha, there might never have been a term for the scourge that has made my morning a casserole of four letter words and mini breakdowns.

Ah, the wardrobe malfunction. Silly TV debacle or frantic Thursday morning exercise in terror. It’s just so damn versatile!

When I’m tired (and this last week has been a doozy), even the smallest obstacle can become…big. Really big. That whole mountains and molehills thing works here, but instead of mountains, let’s go with mountain ranges. Like the Himalayas.

Example:
The bodice of my dress isn’t falling just so.

Molehill.

The bodice of my dress isn’t falling just so and because of the drape in the silk fabric, the left side of my chest is now over-exposed while the right has apparently been seized with overwhelming stage fright, and no matter how craftily I wield that itty-bitty safety pin, I just can’t seem to fix it and good lord, why can’t I find a happy medium between die-alone-with-her-cat schoolmarm and die-alone-with-her-VD street corner hooker?!

Mountfreaking Everest.

What’s even better is that all of that went down before I shattered the yogurt container, leaving me standing in my kitchen, dumbstruck, covered nose to toes in vanilla goo. And before I somehow sprayed myself with incredibly hot coffee at work. And before the wind quite nearly confirmed for a whole sidewalk of people that yes, indeed, I make a habit of not wearing ‘roos.

Flirty skirt, my ass. In this weather, it’s a two-bit whore.

There you have my Himalayan morning. All this malfunctioning has left me half-crazed, which on top of the exhaustion, is really quite the spectacle. Kind of like when I was a kid and couldn’t get my ponytail just so (a lumpy ponytail being the definitive end of my seven-year-old world), and would take out my rage by stomping around the house before collapsing into a snotty, sobbing heap on the floor, leaving everyone in the household bewildered and frightened.

Oh Friday, come quickly.